We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Did I show you my penis last night?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
