Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
