I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
