shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
