Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i love accidental penises.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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