I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
