I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
