I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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