y did u give ur computer a hand job?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
