Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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