dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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