Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize