So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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