I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
