maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
