Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
