Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
