i think my tv is drunk
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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