i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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