omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
