Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
