At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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