We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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