I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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