i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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