So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.