....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
this beer tastes like vomit already
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub