Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
