He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
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I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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