I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
