Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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