Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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