Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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