Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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