I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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