You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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