i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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