We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
