I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
