Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
high people should be assigned attendants
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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