I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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