Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
