Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
