I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
