i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
