My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
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I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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