I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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