That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
