her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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