after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
