girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
