I want to stick my p in your. b.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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