I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My ATM looks so different sober.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
