I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
