Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my being single is dangerous.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
