ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
