Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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