I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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