Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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