Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
When did angry sex become our thing?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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